“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.