How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed