God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy