Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
🏙👨🏼
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Pigeon open mic night.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too