I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
🙅🏻
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬