My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.