Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter