Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.