Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing