Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
58.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.