Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You Might Also Like
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The symmetry is uncanny.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.