Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Investing in beetcoin
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices