*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.