there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
sliding into dms like
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?