Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.