“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No