Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
You Might Also Like
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m giving up ice.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.