Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.