Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
mentally somewhere in italy
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude