“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Same post same
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.