[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.