Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
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My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out