The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
this is the greatest thing ever
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.