In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“Sheer Arrogance”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.