FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?