Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”