Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.