ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
You Might Also Like
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!