Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
A short story about romance.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable