I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry