A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
brian had himself a morning…
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard