My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.