When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
You Might Also Like
They’re not wrong
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
beware of dog
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”