HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.