if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself