*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit