She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
You Might Also Like
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE