That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”