So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away