Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Who knew!
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*