If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
me and the Superbowl rn
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”