Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
File under excellent bookstore names.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.