If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!