Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.