This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My safe word is Worcestershire
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.