There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Who’s your best friend?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
How wrong was this guy?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.