*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Terribly Tuesday.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible