Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though