“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You Might Also Like
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.