I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights